


Love Song

by feentanz



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Baby, F/M, Marriage, basically just different snippets of zoyalai having a baby and being married
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-04 06:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20466908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feentanz/pseuds/feentanz
Summary: He returned to the familiarity of their bedroom, where he had left Zoya this morning. During the entire nine months of her pregnancy, she had done nothing else but wish for it to be over, but now he had a feeling that she sort of missed it. She had not let the baby out of her sight yet, not even allowed anyone to touch it beside Nikolai, and even he was only allowed to do so under her supervision. It was truly remarkable.





	Love Song

* * *

**i.**

Zoya eased herself into her bubble bath, resting her head on the edge of the bathtub as she stared at the ceiling above her. The heat was welcoming, letting her muscles which hurt from training relax for a bit. Tomorrow at this time, she would be the Queen. The Queen of Ravka. She hadn’t quite processed that thought just yet. 

Just in this moment, there was a knock in the door, followed by Nikolai appearing in the doorframe, since he was apparently too impatient to wait for a reply. 

“Why even bother knocking?” Zoya asked, raising a brow. “If you’re going to come in anyway.” Not that she would mind his company. 

Nikolai shrugged, casually slipping out of his shirt in the meantime. “I haven’t quite gotten used to not hiding anymore”, he replied. 

Zoya’s fingers instinctively moved to the ring on her finger, the engagement ring. The one with a big enough diamond to buy a reasonably sized house. “Care to join me?” she asked, watching Nikolai open his belt. It was a certain intimacy between them which she wasn’t used to just yet, but which was surprisingly not all that bad. 

“How could I ever resist _ that _invitation, Nazyalensky”, he replied with a grin, slipping into the tub behind her and placing a kiss on her shoulder blade in the meantime. “How are you feeling about tomorrow?” 

_ Tomorrow. _The day of a royal wedding. “How do you think I feel?” she muttered a response, leaning back against his body while watching a few little bubbles swirl around in the water. “I’m terrified.” Still an understatement. 

Nikolai sighed, leaning back against the edge of the tub. “About spending the rest of your life with me?” He made it sound like a joke, but she knew him too well. It was a serious question. 

Zoya rolled her eyes, giving him a quick glance over her shoulder. “No”, she replied. “About spending the rest of my life leading this country.” She paused. Hesitating. “Also everyone will expect an heir soon enough.” The real reason why she hadn’t been sleeping all that well recently. 

Nikolai’s arms wrapped around her from behind at the words, as he pressed a kiss to the back of her neck. “You’re not a horse that I bought for breeding, Nazyalensky”, he muttered, his tone actually rather sharp. “You will be my queen.” 

_ Like that wasn’t the same thing. _“Right”, Zoya replied, glad that she didn’t have to look at him right now. “You still need an heir to protect your claim to the throne.” She had known that when she accepted the proposal, and she knew that now. No need to deny the obvious truth. 

“Zoya”, Nikolai said quietly, pulling her a little closer against him. “What I need is you by my side. A child can wait until you’re ready.” 

She sighed. “Our enemies-” 

Nikolai interrupted. “Our enemies don’t interest me right now.” His breathing brushed over her neck as he ran a hand over her damp hair. “You don’t need to worry about that.” 

Zoya bit her lip, letting her fingers brush over his for a moment. 

A few seconds passed in silence, then Nikolai seemed to have realized that she was not going to respond. “Insecurity doesn’t suit you, Nazyalensky”, he whispered, placing another kiss on her shoulder. “But I talked to my ministers today about changing the laws”, he added. “They weren’t happy about all that money I’m willing to spend for that second throne I’m building.” 

Zoya rolled her eyes. “I don’t want a throne.” 

“You’re getting one anyway. And a crown.”

She turned around to look at him, wondering whether he was still teasing her. “I hope it’s silver”, she replied, narrowing her eyes. “Gold doesn’t go well with my complexion.” 

Nikolai chuckled, placing a soft kiss on her lips. “I remember.” 

They had had the same conversation when Genya had suggested a golden wedding dress, obviously not knowing that gold was the colour Zoya least liked to see on herself. She didn’t want to bring herself back to Pachina, least of all tomorrow. So no gold. Not ever. 

“Are you at least a little excited?” Nikolai asked now, brushing some hair away from her face. “At the prospect of becoming my wife.” 

Zoya huffed, the smile spreading on her lips at least partly washing away the dark memories. “Maybe a little.” 

* * *

**ii.**

“_ I hate this _”, Zoya hissed, adding a growl of frustration and in the process knocking over some glasses on the table with a gust of wind. She gave Nikolai a frustrated look, her eyes gleaming. “This is all your fault, you know!” 

He couldn’t help but laugh, sinking down on the edge of the bed in the process. Zoya was currently standing in front of the full sized mirror which she had insisted to get into their now shared bedroom, trying to squeeze herself into one of her dresses. And failing, sadly enough. 

“If you could stop laughing and help me instead”, she growled, another gust of wind making the walls shake. She was _ really _angry apparently. 

Nikolai got up, walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist from behind. “You’re pregnant”, he said quietly, pressing a kiss to the curve of her neck. “Get new dresses.” 

Zoya tensed at the words, staring at her image in the mirror. She looked utterly unhappy. “I hate this”, she muttered again, voice weaker this time.

Fairly enough, this pregnancy had not been planned at all. Nikolai had wanted to give Zoya time, time to adapt to her new position of queen, to the thought of possible children in the future. She had married him knowing he needed an heir, although he had always tried to make her feel as much at ease about it as possible. Because there was no rush, or there _ had _been no rush. 

Apparently the Saints had thought differently, since barely a month after the wedding Zoya had started to get waves of nausea, waking in the middle of the night to emptying her entire stomach. Genya had started dropping hints about a pregnancy even then, but neither of them had thought it possible. Until Zoya went to see a healer, and he confirmed their suspicions. 

Nikolai for his part was as delighted as one could be about the news, but he was not the one having to carry the baby around for nine months… Zoya had trashed two entire rooms in the little palace in her anger at first, followed by an hour of sobbing in a locked bathroom until Nikolai had finally calmed her down. She certainly had not wanted this pregnancy, but it was too late now, and they had to make the best of it. 

“People will notice”, Zoya muttered now, blowing out an annoyed breath. “If I don’t even fit in my clothes anymore.” 

Nikolai gave a sigh, followed by a shrug. “So what? We’re married.” 

She made a face, drawing away from his embrace and apparently giving up on the dress. “A Lantsov heir who is half Grisha, what a delight”, she replied, her voice sharp. She picked up her familiar _ kefta, _the loose silk perfect to conceal anything which might be growing underneath. 

So far, they had managed to keep it a secret. Nikolai had felt reminded of the time when the monster had still been his nightly visitor as he had sent all the servants away from their chambers, Zoya fearing that they might discover her bathroom visits. Only the Triumvirate and the twins knew, and that although there were far easier things to conceal than a pregnancy. People were bound to notice. 

Nikolai‘s eyes went to the ring Zoya was still wearing, the one he had given her when they had gotten engaged. When he had promised to make her happy. Apparently he was failing greatly. “Tell me what I can do”, he said in a low voice. “To make it easier for you.” 

Zoya froze, for a moment unmoving. She kept her gaze trained to the floor. “We’ll just get this over with”, she said eventually, putting the _ kefta _on and throwing her hair over her shoulders. “It’s only seven more months.” 

Now that sounded promising. Nikolai watched Zoya straighten her back, putting the general’s armour back on. She had never allowed anyone to call her queen, had insisted that she was no less a commander than before. “I’m sorry”, Nikolai said, suddenly feeling a sense of regret. Perhaps he never should have asked this of her. 

Zoya frowned, giving him a thoughtful look. Her fingers played with the diamond on her finger. “Can’t do anything about it now”, she said eventually, turning away and reaching for a couple of files on the table. “I need to get these to Tamar.”  
  
He stopped her in front of her door, drawing her towards him. “We’ll figure this out.” He tried to make his voice sound optimistic. “We figured everything out.” In comparison to a thread like the darkling, a baby seemed like a small obstacle. 

Zoya’s blue eyes lingered on him for a moment, the frown still on her face. “I didn’t mean it”, she said eventually. “When I said it was your fault.” 

Nikolai cupped her cheek for a moment, kissing her temple. “I love you.”  
  
She smiled faintly at the words, pulling away from the embrace. “Tamar is waiting”, she said briefly, already slipping from the room. 

Nikolai sighed as he stared after her, wondering at what point he had begun to make her so unhappy. He desperately wanted to go back. 

* * *

**iii.**

Genya sat down in the armchair opposite from Zoya, arms crossed, gaze watchful. “How are you?” she asked slowly, her eyes sympathetic. 

Zoya played with the sleeve of her _ kefta, _not daring to look up. She was scared her face would betray her thoughts. Around Nikolai, it was an easy role to play. A few annoyed comments here and there about how much she hated being pregnant, an eye roll when he said something charming, it was just their usual dynamic. She didn’t have to pretend that Nikolai didn’t know what was going on, but he allowed her to keep her walls up for now. Genya although was different, around her there was no pretend. 

“I’m great”, Zoya muttered, voice dripping with sarcasm. “Isn’t every pregnant woman feeling just marvellous?” She dimly wished for a bottle of whiskey to drown. 

A smile tugged at the corner’s at Genya’s lips, but of course she wasn’t buying any of it. “How are you really?” she wanted to know. 

_ Scared. _More scared than she had ever been before. More scared than when she had been fighting the Darkling in the shadow fold. Because this was entirely beyond her control. She cleared her throat, giving Genya a quick glance. Her voice was wavering. “I’m going to be a terrible mother.” 

Genya’s gaze softened. “No”, she disagreed. Then she smirked. “And even if, Nikolai will be there being his perfect self, erasing all your mistakes.” 

Zoya huffed, but then turned serious again. “He’s happy”, she said quietly. “He’s so happy.” Nikolai had always wanted children, she had been aware, but his excitement made it only harder. Because now whenever she couldn’t share the feeling, Zoya felt like she was taking something from him. Something he deserved to have. “How can I ruin that for him?” she spoke her thoughts out loud. 

A frown appeared on Genya’s face, and she shook her head. “You just need time, Zoya. Once the baby is born, you’re going to feel different.” 

_ Once the baby is born. _Seven months from now on. Zoya’s stomach turned at that thought. She ran a hand through her hair, trying to ignore the fear which was spreading through her every bone. 

“Did you tell Nikolai?” Genya asked into the silence. Although she knew the answer. 

Zoya shook her head. How could she? Because she knew, no matter how much he loved her, he didn’t understand. She looked up, meeting Genya’s eyes. If anyone could understand this feeling, it was Genya. Zoya still remembered how she had hissed at Nikolai in the war room, tossing a file at him when she had found out about the pregnancy and how - now matter how everyone had congratulated her - Genya had only silently pulled her into a hug. Because she had known how Zoya had felt, even then. 

Now Genya was smiling. “Nikolai adores you”, she said softly. “He will understand.”  
  
Or act like he did, anyway. He had never asked her to change, or adapt, in any way, and Zoya loved that about him. But in return, she couldn’t ask him to do this very thing now. She was shaking her head. “I’ll deal with it”, she replied. “On my own. Nikolai gets to be as happy as he wants to be.” 

For a second, Genya’s expression was unreadable. “He knows you, Zoya”, she said eventually. “So much better than you seem to realize. You think he doesn’t see the truth behind your well placed snarky comments?” She tilted her head. “He knows.” 

Of course he did. But there was no need to address it, anyway. “I can pretend for a little longer”, Zoya replied sharply, brushing the concerns away with a wave of her hand. 

Genya sighed, leaning back in her arm chair. “Does that mean I’m allowed to gift you cute baby clothing?” 

Zoya huffed. “I’m counting on it, because _ I _won’t be buying anything.” 

Immediately, Genya’s eyes lit up. “Can I throw you a baby shower?” she asked, sliding to the edge of her seat. 

“A baby what?” Zoya muttered in response. She was trying to imagine such a party, with Tamar performing swordplay as entertainment, and David reading silently in the corner. They couldn’t even have alcohol to endure it. 

Genya gave a dismissive frown. “A baby _ shower. _That will be fun, I promise!” She smiled brightly. “If you really want to pretend, you will have to throw a party to celebrate at some point.” 

Now she was using her own words against Zoya, brilliant. She gave Genya an annoyed glance, but shrugged. “If you want to, feel free.” At least one person would be happy then. Genya was always glad to be able to plan a party. 

“One more thing”, Genya remarked, resting her chin on her hands. “You won’t be able to fight for a while.” Her eyes were sympathetic again. 

Zoya clenched her jaw, deliberately looking away. “Grisha soldiers can also use their powers during pregnancy”, was all she replied. Although Genya had not meant to summon a simple storm. 

Her friend sighed. “You’re not just a soldier, Zoya. You’re our Queen.” A smile brushed over lips. “As much as I still hate to admit that.” 

_ Queen. _She had come to hate the word. The other day, when Nikolai had apologized, she had noticed that he felt guilty for having asked this life of her. For having put the ring on her finger and given her a title she never wanted. But she had agreed, agreed because she loved him. Now, Zoya was thinking she should have said something. Eased his mind. “I can use my powers just fine”, she said eventually. “Tamar can handle the army for while.” The thought of not using her powers for months made her feel awfully empty. Only to reassure herself she reached for the wind now, which came to her as naturally as barely anything. A soft breeze brushed through the room, making the curtains move. It felt like safety, wielding such power. She could never imagine letting that go. 

Genya raised a brow in question, but didn’t comment. 

A knock on the door interrupted, and then Nikolai’s head peaked through the door. “Genya, have you seen-” His eyes fell on Zoya. “my wife”, he finished up, already grinning. “I’ve found you, as it seems.”  
  
Zoya got to her feet, giving Genya a thankful smile, which hopefully conveyed all the emotions she never said to her. Just how much she appreciated Genya’s company, and her understanding. 

And Genya smiled back, her eyes knowingly as her gaze followed Zoya to the door, and to Nikolai who was waiting there. 

“How are you?” he wanted to know, pressing a light kiss to her cheek while giving her a concerned look. 

Zoya wondered if he could read her mind right now like he did so often, see all the things she didn’t say in her eyes. She smiled, then gently pushed him away so she could slip out of the room. “What do you want?” 

Nikolai shrugged, wrapping an arm around her waist and drawing her closer. “To see my queen?” he offered, his lips brushing against the shell of her ear. 

Zoya leaned against him for a moment, against the familiarity of his touch. “We have a meeting with David and Nadia, right?” she said eventually. 

“We do”, Nikolai confirmed regretful. “But you don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” 

But a meeting meant routine, normality. It meant that for a while she could pretend to be the general, a normal grisha commander. Zoya brushed her fingers over Nikolai’s neckline briefly, then pulling away. “I don’t think it’s safe to let you handle our warfare alone”, she replied teasingly, giving him a quick smirk. 

Nikolai huffed in mock annoyance, following her down the corridor. “Perhaps the royal status made you a little arrogant, Nazyalensky”, he replied with an amused smile on his lips. 

Zoya fluffed her hair back, giving him a quick look over her shoulder. “Perhaps”, she shrugged, hearing Nikolai’s laughter behind her. For a second, she leaned into the illusion that everything was normal. 

* * *

**iv.**

Nikolai opened the door and entered the bedroom, which was already dark. It was after midnight and he was late from a meeting in the war room. He had planned to silently slip into bed and go to sleep, but apparently his wife had other plans. 

“You’re late”, Zoya’s voice cut through the silence, and he saw her silouette sitting up in their bed. 

Nikolai sighed, slipping out of his shirt. “Why aren’t you asleep?” he asked in return, sitting down on the edge of the bed to pull off his boots. 

Zoya was silent for a moment. “She’s kicking”, she said eventually. It was too dark to see her facial expression. 

He froze, turning around only slowly. “What?” 

“She’s kicking”, Zoya repeated, like he was an idiot for not understanding the first time. “It’s what babies do, eventually.”

Nikolai felt like he really had gone stupid. “_ She?” _he got out, largely confused. In the darkness, Zoya’s judging glance fell on him as he slipped closer to her. 

She crossed her arms defensively. “I think it’s a girl.” 

Nikolai opened his mouth to note that at this stage, there was really no way of knowing, but he decided against it last minute. He had no interest to make Zoya angry tonight. “Okay”, he said instead. 

A second passed in silence, then Zoya was reaching for his hand, placing it on her stomach. At first there was nothing, but then… something _ moved. _Under his very fingertips. If he had not realized the realness of this baby until then, now he did. 

He leaned forward to kiss her, not knowing where else to release his sudden excitement. His lips crashed onto hers and he pushed her down into the sheets, Zoya’s arms wrapping around his neck. “Easy, Lantsov”, she muttered, as he pressed another kiss to her cheek. “I’m still mad you didn’t come back earlier.” 

Nikolai huffed, letting his fingers trace the lines of her collarbones. “Do you want me to make it up to you?” His lips traveled over her neck, kissing the soft skin. 

Zoya’s fingers were absently running through his hair, but he could feel her mind at work, the thoughts pressing her down. He sighed, interrupting himself and instead eyeing her carefully. “What’s wrong?” 

She took her time with the answer. “Do you think I’ll be a terrible mother?” she said eventually. 

Nikolai stilled. He was still getting used to this honesty from Zoya, adjusting to the fact that her walls were no longer up around him. Only a year ago, she never would have asked such a thing. Now, her gaze was resting on him expectantly. Nikolai leaned forward, brushing a hair away from her face. “No”, he replied honestly. “You’re going to handle it just as well as everything else.” 

Zoya snorted. “I wasn’t fishing for compliments”, she muttered, rolling onto her back. “And I would really appreciate it if she could stop moving around because I can’t sleep.” 

A small smile crept over Nikolai’s lips at the words, since apparently Zoya’s spite was back. He liked it better than self doubt. “You’re sure it’s a girl?” he picked the topic up again, resting his head against the pillows and reaching for Zoya to pull her closer. 

She rested her head on his chest, her fingers running circles over his bare skin. “I have a feeling.” 

“Any suggestions for a name, then?” Nikolai wanted to know, although he had one in mind already. But he wanted Zoya to suggest first. 

She gave a half shrug. Nikolai still hesitated. Like she had felt it, Zoya huffed. “Just say it. How bad can it be?” 

Nikolai saw that as an encouragement. “Liliyana.” 

Zoya froze. Even in the dark, he could see the shadow passing over her face. A few seconds passed just like that. “That’s not a typical Lantsov family name”, Zoya eventually said. Her face was unreadable. 

He shook his head. “No”, he confirmed. “But it means something to you.”  
  
Zoya was still unmoving, the tension running through her body not unlike the lightning she used as her weapon. 

“Just think about it”, Nikolai offered. 

She nodded faintly, relaxing ever so slightly and easing a little further into his arms. “Thank you”, she said quietly, so quietly he could barely understand. 

Nikolai pressed a kiss to the top of her head in response. Actually, he was pretty certain that she was going to agree to the name. He remembered the day Zoya had finally told him her story, without leaving anything out. Liliyana had been her hero, and it seemed only right that Zoya would give something back to her, even if it was just a little remembrance. 

“She’s still kicking”, Zoya muttered, blowing out an annoyed breath. 

Nikolai chuckled, letting his fingers run through her hair. “Just close your eyes.” 

Zoya muttered something in annoyance, but it took barely five more minutes until she was fast asleep in his arms, although their daughter was still happily kicking. 

* * *

**v.**

It was midday when Nikolai returned from his morning meeting, exhaustion leaping from him with every step. It had been a hard couple of days, with his _ heir _just being born, and Genya wanting to throw a massive feast for celebrating. 

He returned to the familiarity of their bedroom, where he had left Zoya this morning. During the entire nine months of her pregnancy, she had done nothing else but wish for it to be over, but now he had a feeling that she sort of missed it. She had not let the baby out of her sight yet, not even allowed anyone to touch it beside Nikolai, and even he was only allowed to do so under her supervision. It was truly remarkable. 

Zoya was still lying in their huge bed, their daughter next to her, her eyes resting on the little girl. She seemed half asleep, but looked up briefly as Nikolai entered. 

He gave her an amused look, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “We have a nurse who can take care of her, you know”, he offered. “If you would like to sleep.” 

Zoya shook her head, still staring at the sleeping baby. “I’m good.” She blinked a few times, as if to keep her eyes from falling shut. “Any news I should know about?” 

“It’s Ravka”, Nikolai muttered, reaching out to run a hand through her hair. “There’s always news.” News of the birth had traveled fast, and one could only imagine what Ravka’s enemies had to say about a new Lantsov family member to secure the succession. They were on dangerous territory here. 

As if she had read his thoughts, Zoya rolled onto her back, giving him a thoughtful glance. “I won’t let anything happen to her.” There was a determination behind her words which he had seldom heard before. 

Nikolai looked at his daughter, turning in her sleep. “Of course not”, he replied, brushing a finger over Zoya’s cheek. “She’ll be just fine.” He flashed a smile at his wife. “I thought you couldn’t wait to _ get this over with and hand her to the nurse so you can continue your life _?” he asked, raising a brow.

Zoya glared at him. “Shut up”, she snapped, rolling away from him deliberately. 

Nikolai huffed, climbing into the bed as well and wrapping his arms around her. “We should get her used to spending time with a nurse, you know”, he said quietly, placing a kiss on Zoya’s neck. “You can’t keep your eyes on her forever.” 

“Watch me”, Zoya muttered, obviously not very pleased with the idea. “I don’t want to give her away!” 

Nikolai sighed. “Zoya-” he began, but she interrupted. 

“What if something happens?” She turned around to face him, her blue eyes shining. “What if something happens and I’m not here to protect her?” 

Now that sounded very unlike her previous attitude. Nikolai gave her a surprised look, studying her face. “I thought you hated being a mother”, he said quietly. He had put this burden upon her and then watched her fight against it all those past months, watched her become more and more unhappy. 

Zoya stilled, hesitating. “No”, she said eventually. “Apparently I don’t hate it any longer.” She rested her hands against the back of his neck, giving him a thoughtful glance. “I might come to like it one day.” 

Nikolai pressed a kiss to her temple, watching their daughter roll onto her stomach, still fast asleep. A few golden curls were draped around her head which made her look like a little angel. “I never meant to make you unhappy”, Nikolai said quietly, eyes on Zoya. “When I asked you to be my queen.” 

A slight frown appeared on her face when she studied his face, probably reading his mind as usual. “You didn’t”, she said eventually. A little smile crept across her lips. “I just don’t like to admit it to your face. You think too highly of yourself already.” 

Nikolai snorted. “Right”, he replied, smirking a little. “Tamar is outside, training the new Grisha”, he offered. “You could join her.” 

Zoya glanced quickly at the sleeping baby, then back at him. Her face was questioning. 

“I’ll take care of her”, he promised. 

Zoya gave him a soft kick so he rolled over, resting her head on his chest as she was now on top of him. “You better do, if you don’t want to get me angry”, she muttered, pressing a kiss to his lips, then sitting up. 

Nikolai chuckled, watching her slip out of the bed and begin to sort of her hair in front of the mirror. “And you’re saying I’m too full of myself?” he commented, earning an annoyed glare from Zoya’s side. 

She turned around to him, giving her sweetest smile. “I’ll be back in two hours to check if you can be left alone with a baby.” 

Nikolai sighed. “Have fun.” Perhaps for once, _ he _wouldn’t be the one Zoya would yell at. It would be a welcome change. He watched her turn around and leave the room, moving to pick up his daughter from the bed and carrying her over to the cradle. If Zoya was not here, she might as well sleep in her own bed for a little while. Although his wife would probably scold him for that later. 


End file.
